Hi. I haven’t been able to talk. I haven’t been able to talk about the fact that I spent two 1.5 week stints in the hospital this summer. I haven’t been able to explain why. I’ve been scared.
I’m scared to tell the truth and I’m scared to be judged. And I want to be able to make my blog the most honest thing next to my journal. But I’m worried. I’m worried that I should be making my website about YOU. The reader. I’m worried that I should be spending my time writing “actionable content” and helping the people around me, I don’t know, organize their lives even though they have mental illness.
I’d like to be able to do that. I’d like to be helpful. They say that’s how you build a website and a “following.” But the truth is that I’m barely holding my own life together and I’m not in the position to give anybody advice.
And I feel completely alone in this.
I was in the hospital because there was a national shortage of my medication. I couldn’t get my regular meds anymore, and I had to go on another medication that did not work nearly as well. The first time I was hospitalized, I was so depressed I wanted to kill myself. The second time, I was having command hallucinations and I swallowed a bottle of over-the-counter medicine and almost did kill myself. I didn’t mean to that time though. That’s just how it is sometimes. I worry that someday I will die by accident but the papers will all say I died by suicide.
One of my greatest fears is doing something terrible to myself while I’m psychotic.
But my old medication became available again and I’m doing better. I keep thinking I’m on the verge of having my life under control again. But today I’m sad. And the sadness swallows everything. And I’m afraid to say that because what good does it do? Who does that help? I feel like I have nothing to offer.
So please tell me, is it okay that I just keep putting my honest words out here? Or is there something else I can do for the few people who read this? What else can I offer you? Any thoughts?