I Need a Fence


When there are no boundaries on your imagination, but severe boundaries on your practical possibilities, you find yourself unable to move.

Or at least I do.

Work is sketchy right now. I was unable to work for several months due to being crazy, and now I feel like I could work again, but in surveying my prospects, there are too many of them. I could continue to work in editing, which I enjoy, but has an uncertain future. Or I could take on paralegal work, which is a lot less fun but pays well. I could try to turn this blog into something. I struggle with that one. I don’t know how to be useful to my readers. My only hope is to connect with you on a personal level, and I’d rather not be selling you anything.

But if I can create something useful and offer it to you, maybe that’s not so bad.

I like making traveler’s notebooks and inserts. I find them helpful in my day-to-day. I keep a paper planner and journal incessantly. It helps me to write fewer of these directionless posts.

I suppose right now I’m being very honest. I feel lost. I want to go back to school, but I can’t take out any more student loans. Part of being an adult, I suppose, is setting the direction of your life yourself. I thrive with outwardly-imposed boundaries and struggle to create my own. I feel like I’m drowning in possibility and cannot move forward with anything.

And the judgmental running commentary of voices in my head (the Committee, as I sometimes call them) barrages me with all the reasons I should not pursue anything at all. Too scary. So many things could go wrong. I already mess everything up. (I do not mess everything up. They try to tell me that I do, and I sometimes believe them.)

What do you do when you feel immobilized by the vast number of options? Or, what do you do when you are immobilized by your mental illness? Please share in the comments.

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